Listening Comprehension Exercise with Capitalization and Punctuation

We'll just pretend that we're organizing a baseball team here at the retired actors' home, and I am the manager.
You're gonna be the manager of the retired actors' baseball team?
Yes.
I would like to join the retired actors' baseball team.
Oh, you would?
I would like to know some of the guys' names on the team so if I wanna play with them, I'll know them, and when I meet them on the street or in the home here, I can say hello to them.
Oh, sure. But you know they give baseball players nowadays very peculiar names.
Oh, a lot of funny names?
You know, like Stinky Fields. Uh, Goofy Dan.
Booby Barber.
Booby Barber. Well, let's see now. We have on our team - we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
That's what I wanna find out, the guys' names.
And then -
That's what I wanna find out, the guys' names.
I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Now Abbott, you gonna be the manager of the baseball team?
Yes.
You know the guys' names?
Well, I should.
Well, you tell me the guys' names on the baseball team.
I'm saying - Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
You ain't saying nothing to me yet. Go ahead and tell me.
I'm telling them.
You ain't said nothing yet. Go ahead and tell me.
Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third.
You know the guys' names on the baseball team?
Yes.
Well go ahead, who's on first?
Yes.
I mean the guy's name.
Who.
The guy playing first.
Who.
The guy playing first base.
Who!
The guy at first base!
Who is on first!
What are you asking me for? I don't know!
Now wait a minute -
I'm asking you who's on first!
That's his name.
Well, go ahead and tell me.
Who.
The guy on first.
That's it. That's his name!
Well, you ain't said nothing! I ain't asked you nothing.
You did.
You know the guy's name on first base?
Sure.
Well then, tell me the guy's name on first base.
Who.
The guy playing first base!
Who is on first, Lou!
What are you asking me for?
Now, don't get excited. I'm saying Who -
I'm asking you a simple question - who's on first?
Yes.
Well, go ahead and tell me.
That's it.
That's who?
Yes.
I'm asking you, what's the guy's name on first base?
Oh, no - What's on second.
I'm not asking you who's on second.
Who's on first.
One base at a time now!
Don't mix up my -
I'm not mixing up anybody! Now what's the guy's name on first base?
No, What is on second.
I'm not asking you who's on second!
Who is on first.
I don't know.
He's on third - we're not talking about him.
Wait a minute, whoa.
Now let's not get mixed up -
Whoa, whoa. How'd - how did I get on third base?
You mentioned his name.
I mentioned his name?
Yes.
I don't know anybody's name on the team! I - how could I mention a guy's name?
You did - you just mentioned it.
All right, what's the guy's name on third base?
No, What's on second.
Who's on second?
Who's on first.
I don't know.
He's on third.
See what I mean? I ain't even mentioned the guy's name on third base!
Yes you did, Lou!
All right, then who's playing third base?
No, Who's on first!
I'm not asking you what's on first!
What's on second.
Who's on second?
Who's on first.
I don't know. He's third base.
Third base. Now -
I don't know anybody on the baseball team!
You do, you mentioned their names.
I do?
Sure.
You got an outfield?
Well, naturally.
The left fielder's name.
Why.
I just thought I'd ask you. I just thought I'd ask you.
Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Well, go ahead. Tell me.
Tell you what?
The left fielder's name.
Why.
Because I wanna know! Because!
Oh, he's center field - you know these players as well as I do.
Who's in center field?
No, Who's on first.
What's on first?
What's on second.
I don't know. Third base.
Third base.
Do you know the guys' names on the team?
Look, Louie, you don't seem to understand. See, I have a first baseman.
You got - I know you got a first -
He gets his -
I ask you, what's - what's the first - I ask you, what's the first baseman's name?
No, What's the second baseman's name.
I'm gonna start to ask you something. I ask you, what's the first baseman's name?
What's the second baseman's name.
I don't even get past the - all right, who's on second?
Who's on first.
What base do you want to talk about?
You talk about anyone you want to talk about!
All right, now who's on first?
Right.
OK.
Now -
All right, you got a first baseman.
Yes.
When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Every dollar of it. Every dollar of it.
Who gets it?
He does. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Whose wife?
Yes. Why not, Lou? He's earned it.
Who did?
Yes.
Look, when you pay off the first baseman every month, do you get a receipt from the guy?
Sure.
How's he sign his name?
Who.
The guy you gave the money to.
Who.
The guy you give the money to.
Well, that's how he signs it, Lou.
That's how who signs it?
Yes.
Well, go ahead and tell me.
That's it.
Who?
Who. Right.
Look, you go to the first baseman.
Yes.
And you say to him, "here's your money, sign the receipt." How does he sign his name?
Who.
The guy you give the money to.
That's how he signs it.
That's how who signs it?
Yes.
Sure. You got to get a receipt from the guy, don't you?
I get one, Lou!
How does the guy on first base sign his name?
Who!
The guy on first!
That's how he signs it!
I'm asking you, when you give the guy the money, what's the guy's name that you give the money to?
Now wait a minute - What signs his own.
Who signs his own?
No, Who signs his.
I mean, what's the guy's name on first you give the money to?
What is on second -
I'm not asking you who's on second!
Who's on first!
I don't know. Third base.
Third base.
The left fielder's name, the center field - I don't know first. You got a pitcher on that team?
Well, we'd be a fine team without a pitcher.
It's a fine team without - the pitcher's name.
Tomorrow.
Ah. You're not gonna tell me today?
I can't change their names!
You don't wanna tell me today?
I'm telling you!
Well, go ahead, tell me the pitcher's name.
Tomorrow.
Why not tell me today?
I'm telling you now!
I ain't gotta wait till tomorrow! Then tell me the pitcher's name.
Tomorrow!
All right, what time tomorrow you tell me the pitcher's name?
What time what?
What time tomorrow you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Who is not pitching -
I'll break your arm you say who's on first! I wanna know what's the pitcher's name.
What's on second.
I don't know. Third base!
Third base.
Third base. You got a catcher?
Certainly you've got a catcher on a baseball team.
The catcher's name?
Today.
Today? Tomorrow's pitching, Today's catching.
Now you've got it!
Now I got it? All I got, we got a coupla days on the team, that's all.
I can't help that, Lou! I don't name them!
You know, I'm a pretty good catcher myself.
So they tell me.
Yeah. Now I get behind the plate, and I'm gonna do some fancy catching, and Tomorrow's pitching on my team, right?
Yes.
Now Tomorrow, he winds up the ball, and I'm behind the plate, and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter gets up, and he's ready to hit the ball, and Tomorrow's gonna throw the ball, and I'm gonna catch it. Now I'm gonna - Tomorrow throws the ball, and the guy bunts the ball. Now when he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Now that's the first thing you've said right.
I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Well, that's all you have to do!
Is to throw the ball to first base?
Yes!
Now who's got it?
Naturally.
Sure. Look, the guy is running to first base, Abbott!
Yes.
I wanna throw the guy out!
So?
So I throw the ball to who?
Naturally!
Throw it to who?
Naturally.
Then who's got it?
Naturally.
Ah.
Hey.
So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
No, no! You throw the ball to first base, then Who gets it!
Naturally.
That's it. Now you get it.
Same thing. I pick up the ball, so I throw it to Naturally.
You don't!
I throw it to who?
Naturally!
That's what I'm saying!
You're not saying that!
I said I throw the ball to who?
Naturally.
You ask me.
You throw the ball to Who.
Naturally.
That's it.
Same as you!
Say it -
I throw the ball to Naturally!
You don't - you throw it to Who!
Now who's got it?
Naturally.
Naturally! That's what I said!
Right.
Whoever it is better get it, that's all I can tell you.
He'll get it, don't worry about Who.
Who'll get it?
Yes.
He better get it.
All right.
Now I throw the ball to whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow. Triple play.
Could be.
Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I Don't Know, he's on third, and I don't give a damn!
What?
I said, I don't give a damn!
Oh, that's our shortstop.

It feels like these two have their speech much more exact, especially now that I've taken the time to transcribe this bit, for the delivery to be as effective as it is. I'd like to think the two wrote it out just this way before performing it, ensuring the distinction between the names and the other parts of speech in use. Looked through a few react vids, some of which show delays and mild puzzlement in the resulting laughter. (Like they're laughing, but because everyone else is, not necessarily because they get the joke.)

I feel sorry for those in my feed who choose to neglect their language, having seen over time how casual usage bleeds into more formal situations (there's at least one post in the way back with this assessment), as well as how both the classics and the new tech got better, more enduring comedy crossing wires with simple repetition and plays on words. (Also noting that the human here is Costello.)

Rearranged for clarity.

Penultimate this for the music.

Ending with this because I already looked at mayonnaise.